'What to Do in Cases of Poisoning' by Chloe Hanks
a parody of the text of the same name by William Murrell
If sent for to a case of poisoning, take your leisure—
a woman’s life may depend upon your delay.
If at night, pause to select the perfect bodice, corset and dress,
smoothed to create the silhouette of death.
Take your Antidote bag or Case
equipped with the ground horn of a unicorn,
and a vial of lemon juice and ginger.
If you have neglected to provide yourself with one,
be sure to take a lengthy detour to hunt for what you want.
Perhaps neglect to pack your stomach-pump or tube,
carelessly misplace your hypodermic syringe,
you will of course be well-stocked with tabloids
or solution of atropine; but do take care
to miscalculate the dosage.
Your knowledge of administering poisons
may be excellent, but if you are called upon
for an antidote, you must feign response.
Enquire of the messenger what is the matter:
his information is unlikely to be of use but such formalities
suggest an attempt at a plan of action.
So long as you eventually arrive to the patient,
you have a moment or two to converse with his friends.
Whilst under observation, make your diagnosis quickly,
commence treatment almost at once. If in doubt,
simply administer a hypodermic injection of apomorphine
or some good emetic: the desired outcome insures the futility
of the action regardless.
If the room is full of people, get rid of them at once.
Suggest they might hamper your movements,
cause distraction or complication.
Do not turn them out or they might cause a scene
and ignite trouble, but give them a task
of false importance to busy their hands.
Perhaps request a cup of strong coffee.
Take charge of any bottles that may be about,
even if they are empty. Be sure to pay your gaze
to locate Manna of St. Nicholas on the dresser or desk
and remove immediately from the scene.
Time is of the utmost importance,
but try to appear as though your sluggish pace
is to reduce panic—
give your orders quietly and calmly.
Never regard a case as hopeless.
If the victim appears to be improving,
administer your own supply of the product
from your Case.
When death approaches,
do not relax your endeavours
as your efforts may appear unavailing.
You must appear to be on the verge
of hope at all times.
At all costs, avoid discussions with any man.
You cannot pay a man a greater compliment
than to call to him in consultation in a case like this;
this is against the philosophy of our company.
Do not leave your patient alone until at least one hour
after his passing, lest out of hysterics a loved one
might attempt resuscitation.
Be sure of your diagnosis, one must never arrive at a poison
case to find the product not ours, or the administering of it
not a consequence of the victim’s
inappropriate domestic conduct.
It is possible that you may experience a confrontation
with the lady whom purchased Manna of St Nicholas,
she may be experiencing some distress, sorrow or even regret.
You must take time in assuring she made
the correct choice, and lastly,
remove all traces of the product
from the domestic setting lest the practice become
a habit for her.
All rational treatment of cases of poisoning is founded
on the precise appreciation of the physiological action
and impact of a toxic level of masculinity experienced
by the man of the house unto his female associates.
Upon leaving the premises
be sure to discuss future business with the customer
and encourage her to recommend us to a friend
or confident.
This poem by Chloe Hanks is part of the ‘F#ck the Patriarchy’ Anthology. In addition to her contribution to the 'F#ck the Patriarchy' Anthology, Chloe Hanks has also graced us with a remarkable collection of her own work titled 'I Call Upon the Witches.' With her captivating poetry and unapologetic voice, Chloe fearlessly delves into themes of power, rebellion, and the celebration of feminine strength. Both the anthology and her personal collection stand as testaments to her profound talent and unwavering dedication to dismantling patriarchal norms.