On Writing a Poem About Toxic Feminism (And Not Liking All Women)
Written by Holly Ruskin
Recently I wrote a poem inspired by seeing some of the reactions to a feminist content creator (@fgrlsclub) who had stepped outside the now tightly drawn lines of contemporary feminism, in order to carefully critique the words of ‘influencer’ Molly Mae.
Molly had given an interview in which she showed a breathless disregard for the ways in which privilege or lack thereof can widely mitigate the ‘success’ experienced by different people. She claimed that “we all have the same 24 hours in a day” and that “if you want something enough, you can achieve it”. She was subsequently roundly ridiculed by most mainstream media sites and yet, when male commentators were writing acerbic pieces on her “stupidity” there seemed to be no discernible backlash.
Yet @fgrlsclub posted a statement to their stories explaining that yes, they are in fact all about feminist content and that yes, this means they can still approach the things women say or do with a drive to ensure we are all held accountable to the same standards. Apparently, their DMs had been flooded with messages questioning the validity of their brand because, like, aren’t they meant to be about supporting all women?
And here’s the thing about that. Or rather, this is the question I asked in my poem: what is this, agree with all women business really all about? When did the new brand of feminism start dictating that ALL women support ALL women ALL the time? Around the same time ‘empowerment’ became a buzzword and meaningless t-shirt/tote bag slogan, is my educated guess. When the patriarchy spotted an opportunity to keep ALL women small, confused, tentative and occupied ALL the time by second guessing themselves, I would imagine.
Because now, today, women who bring nuanced, critical discussion to other women’s actions are vilified for being part of the toxic ‘call-out-culture’ that pervades most social media platforms (something I also don’t enjoy, as women are all too often the targets). In order to label ourselves correctly as ‘Feminist’ now, it seems we are to: support, agree with, champion, befriend, like, love, celebrate, lift up, make space for ALL women ALL the time.
Now, the point of my poem and this subsequent column is not to start pushing a new brand of feminism that excuses bullying or the tearing down of women. I don’t want to create or encourage a culture in which women are too busy looking over their shoulder (or sideways) at each other to notice the insidious work of the patriarchy. But I am questioning why it is that the rules are, once again, different for women than they are for the men. Not allowing for women to be competitive with each other in a healthy way that promotes mutual growth; not acknowledging the importance of challenging women when they are perpetuating harmful ideas; not leaving space for women to disagree with - and ultimately dislike - each other, is downright sexist.
It is sexist because we don’t dictate men’s actions to them. They are not punished for refusing to be friends with another man they don’t like, or whose actions they question. Nope. It’s just the women. And it is a lie to suggest otherwise.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this toxic feminism and found it really difficult to navigate. Accused of not being a champion for all women, yet an anthology I was due to be published in (edited by my accuser - a woman) chose to drop my work without so much as a courtesy email. I felt confused and conflicted but ultimately chose to stand my ground which came at the cost, apparently, of my being able to call myself a feminist.
But, here’s the thing. Being a Feminist is work. It’s hard work. Because we don’t stop learning, reading, growing, reflecting, questioning and interrogating - ourselves AND others. It’s real, in the trenches stuff. It has to be in order to mean something and bring about meaningful change.
So this piece is for all of us who write/talk about women’s actions when we’re engaged in that hard feminist graft. Trying to open up debate and conversation to help improve things for ALL women.
I don’t love ALL women. But I do love womankind enough to talk about the things some women do or say that I just don’t like. Because to do anything else: to say yes to all women all the time in all things, is easy. And in the end, more harm than good.
HOLLY RUSKIN has been a writer all her life, but started exploring the poetic form after the birth of her daughter in 2019. She graduated with a BA in English Literature & Film, going on to complete an MA in Film, specializing in feminism and the representation of women. She co-founded ‘blood moon poetry’, an inclusive and welcoming place for female poets to submit their work for publication. Holly lives in Bristol, UK.